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Archive for February, 2012

Come Now

It was a soft, dappled gray sky when I woke up. And there was trouble as soon as I woke up. Not that it ought to have been any different….not that I deserved any better. It seemed the day must begin with tension and aggravated nerves all around. And it did. And I wondered if new mercies every morning are canceled out if one stays awake past twelve. Breakfast. Nothing sounded good. I did not feel hungry. But I sat down and ate anyway. A CD playing in the living room. We always have CDs playing—whether music or sermons, stories or old radio broadcasts. I find myself wondering lately why. Could it be to drown out the screams of dying dreams, the whispers of discouragement and guilt, the pain of cloudy days…the voice of God?
This CD was an audio book written by a pastor. He was telling the story of the prodigal son. A thought comes to my mind. Not a brand new thought either. Just a thought— like a friend I have not seen in years, knocking on the door of my mind.
The prodigal was a son….not a stranger, not somebody who never knew the father. He was a son. He left. But the father was looking for him to come home. He was waiting, watching. When he saw his son, he ran. He RAN. He RAN to see his son, the one who had left him, the one who had been stupid. He actually RAN to meet him…and he kissed him and embraced him and brought him home again.

Something in me stirred. Oh God, I prayed, silently. Please take me back. Can’t I just feel Your love, Your love for one moment?
Lately I couldn’t feel it. I found myself wondering who God was. What was He thinking of me? Would He take me back? I felt like a puppy who’d escaped from the master’s kennels. Upon re-approaching the fence, I can see the other puppies, joyful and exuberant in the love of their master, receiving blessings from his hand, and doing anything they could to please him. But I am the puppy who ran out and away. I bit and snapped at that hand that had never done me any wrong. I would run and come back and run and come back. I seemed to be different from the other puppies even when I was on the right side of the fence.
I look through the chain-link wire at the master’s eyes.
And here is the question….what do I see there? And is what I see there keeping me from seeing what is really there? Or maybe I’ve blown my chances, and there isn’t anything there at all….
I want to cry. The Master doesn’t deserve this. I do. But I want to be back where I can be safe, away from wild wolves and swirling, disorienting whirlwinds. I just want Him to love me and keep me safe from the guilt, the hurts, the overwhelming floods, the enemies, the hardships… and from myself.
I go for a bath, and resolve to use the time to ask for a clean heart and a right, renewed spirit. But spinnings of stories,ramblings of imaginary adventures in which I am the glowing heroine, flood my thoughts in a hundred different directions.

Stop! This is ridiculous! It isn’t even as though I am focusing on one story-line long enough to make any good of it!

Messy mind, messy house. A couple of hours in my gray room, folding clothes, turning them over, stashing them away into drawers entirely too small to fit the masses of woven threads properly.
Finally the chaos is reasonably stashed away. Hidden from the eyes of others. Just waiting for me to be alone so that it can spring out again.
I emerge into the outside world—outside my room, that is– and the hurts start to explode in every direction. YOUSHOULDHAVEDONEITSOONERWHATWILLTHEYTHINKOFYOUITISN’TFAIRTHAT

SHEGETSTOGOIWISHYOUHADN’TGIVENAWAYMYPRESENTYOU’VERUINEDYOUR

REPUTATIONITISTOOLATEHE’SSUCHAJERKI’MBUSYGOAWAYTHEYDON’TLOVEME

ASMUCHASTHEYLOVEHIMITSALLYOURFAULTITISALLYOURFAULTIT

ISALLYOURFAULT.

People come over. What can I do? Just smile and act naturally. Act. Naturally. The stupidest thing anyone has ever been told to do.
The grayness of the sky is solid, swollen gray. All creation waits for the snow-laden clouds to explode…and it is so beautiful… but only to those who have a warm, crackling fire inside of them. Who have a friend to share it with.

So I wander. What did I do in those few minutes? Who can tell….they have been lost to eternity. Like so many other things I’ve let slip away…the only thing that promises to stay with me, no matter what, is the memory that I let those things slip away.

But I just looked out the window. And large, soft, puffy flakes are swirling down from the sky. They hit the ground gently, then melt…but prepare the dirty, grass-bare earth for another flake and another. Soon they stop melting. And the sky is white. Dirty impure snow is covered. The litter on the ground is covered. Harsh fence-posts and dead dream-flowers are hidden from the Eyes of Purest Heaven by the falling snow. And the world suddenly becomes brighter. It changes color entirely. The lowly earth can now reflect the Sky. And it is so beautiful. So very very beautiful. And it would seem that God is crying out, as He has done for so long, Come now, and let us reason together….though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool! Just come….now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The above was my story one gloomy day back in December. As soon as God put the verse mentioned above into my head, I sat down and wrote this out.

You know, and I know, that this isn’t just the story of one day in one person’s life–the guilt and the shame of sin, the longing to be reunited in fellowship with God, has come again and again and again.

And God says;

John 8:10-11 When Jesus had lifted up himself, and saw none but the woman, he said unto her, Woman, where are those thine accusers? hath no man condemned thee? She said, No man, Lord. And Jesus said unto her, Neither do I condemn thee: go, and sin no more.

Isaiah 1:18 Come now, and let us reason together, saith the LORD: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.

1 John 1:7-9 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleanseth us from all sin. If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

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